so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
