So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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