I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize