I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
