I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
