i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
