I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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