Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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