I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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