My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
