I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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