her vagine was all disorganized.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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