So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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