i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
