i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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