nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
