I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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