I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My vagina is officially offended.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
