you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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