Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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