Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
