something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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