hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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