I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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