Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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