I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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