I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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