bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize