Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
