I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
