I bet he comes in French.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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