one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
