Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
