Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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