You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
