:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
