I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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