just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
