I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
