Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Alive.
So much puke
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
