I wish I could punch you in the face.
the condom got lost in my hair
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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