i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
