shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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