i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
