I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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