Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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