i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
