When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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