Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
