it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Banned from zoo.
Again?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
