Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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