The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
