I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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