just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
