Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You need a sexual gate keeper
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
