From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
