I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
