My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
