it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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