I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
