Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
