sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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