I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i wish my penis had a tongue
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
