His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i drank out of a bidet.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
