It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
